Prayers for my babies!
Previous post
Now reading

THE CHAD THING….part two

A Reminder...
Next post
THE CHAD THING….part two
THE CHAD THING….part two

We walked into Sunday the same as we always had. Usually, very mundane, run-of-the-mill…except we were holding hands. No one really noticed until our teacher gave us a quick double take and said, “hey are ya’ll together finally?”

We laughed and Chad said, “Yep. Took long enough, right?”

After we mingled and talked to everybody, we took our normal seats on the front row. This is great. This is exactly what everyone thought would happen. This is exciting. This is… awkward.  I loved this guy. I mean I really loved him. Chad was always like a brother to me, but we’d only been “dating”, “going out”, “boyfriend/girlfriend”…whatever you wanted to call it for two weeks and I could not shake this feeling of “weirdness”.

He did nothing wrong. He was kind and a gentleman. He was the same guy he’d always been to me, but we were trying to make “us” something it had never been. And the shape of the “Chad” and “Kayla” that we had always been was trying to fit into this mold that just refused to fit.

Maybe we just needed more time. Maybe if I gave it some more time then we would settle into this “relationship mold”. Maybe if I just waited and rode this thing out then I would lose the “Chad is my best friend” feeling and it would change into the other thing! The only problem was that I didn’t really want to. I missed the old mold. I missed my best friend. I missed our old relationship. I missed us being silly and goofy and not caring. I missed him. Ugh.

Great. The only guy that I actually had a crush on, outside of the heart-wrenching pain of Jordan, and I can’t even make that stick… with a guy I already loved (albeit in the wrong way, but still). I was truly pathetic and apparently destined to be alone forever.

I know Chad and I will survive this. I’m pretty sure, if I know him well, that he feels this way too, but I really wish it could be different. I wish I could love him the way I want to. If I did, I wouldn’t feel the pain of being in love with a man who didn’t want me.

 

Journal,

So funny story… the group hung out tonight. Chad and I decided to go separately since Kenz asked me to ride with her. As we were driving down the road she asked how things were going with Chad. Normally, I would’ve made some generic statement like “It’s good. It’s weird transitioning from ‘friends’ to ‘more’, but it’s good.” But with Kenzie this would not have flown. She knows me way too well. I sidetracked for a while, but it didn’t take long until all of my reservations came spewing out of my mouth like verbal vomit all over my poor best friend. She took it politely and quietly, allowing me to fully empty myself of all of my anxieties and frustrations. When I was finally done, I was almost crying and just said, “I just miss my best friend, Kenz.” She was quiet for a minute and said, “Kay, you guys HAVE to talk. He literally said the same thing to me yesterday.”

I was so relieved. Neither one of us would have to be hurt! Maybe we could even go back to how things were before! I know it may be weird for a bit, but maybe we can just forget this whole thing happened! We can be stupid and joke and be normal again! 

I can’t even say how excited I am. Here’s hoping I have myself and him back!

Written by

Join the conversation...

I'm Kayla. Mom of two, wife of one and new New York transplant. We're a family of four fumbling our way through our new normal in Manhattan! We're excited to learn as we go... we can't mess this up too bad, right? :)

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Instagram
  • New good, New playground... watch the blog for pics of the new place!! Www.lovethegrizzards.com
  • Just an incredible talent and kind artist. Blessed
  • You have no idea how big a difference a dishwasher makes!!!! I have a favorite thing in the house!
  • When an old student comes to New York, talks shop and dreams and becomes a friend. Praying for you Mollie Claire!! Big things girl! Faithful in the little so God is free to unleash the BIG.
  • PIVOT!!! Art imitating life for real!
  • Progress not perfection
  • So this happened.
  • Hi I’m jozlyn and I’m gonna give my mom a heart attack!! #growing
  • When mommy has a headache but baby wants to cuddle.... absolutely.
  • Just so many smiles
%d bloggers like this: