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Story of Us… THE LIE

Story of Us… THE LIE

There  is literally nothing like the feeling of knowing that someone you care about thinks well of you. I mean, yes, I REALLY like that he thinks I’m attractive and funny and fun to be around. At least I hope he thinks all of those things. I think he does or I don’t think he’d be calling me and holding my hand like he does. But it’s more than that. Jordan is incredible. This guy is funny and intelligent and kind and charming and attractive and caring and WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE…and he thinks well of me. After knowing me for years, and having all of those years to see who I am and what I am like, he for some reason thinks I’m worthy of his time. He wants to spend time with me; to get to know me, and hear my thoughts and be by my side. I do not understand why he is giving me the time of day, but I’m not about to let him know all the reasons he is wrong.

See, for years I have battled my own head over thoughts about myself. Heather, never had to worry about these things. She was perfect. My sister could have stepped out of a magazine centerfold at any given moment and waltz up to any guy she picked out and he would never be good enough for her. She had flaws of course. I mean no one is totally perfect. Heather was more stubborn than anyone I had ever met. Her family knew that and it was something she was going to have to deal with one day, but right now??? Guys were never a problem for her. Her waistline was slender and she could wear anything. She was one of those girls who could throw her hair in a ponytail and slap on some lipgloss, throw on a t-shirt and jeans and look “paparazzi ready”. I slapped on a t-shirt and jeans with my hair in a pony tail and I looked like her dog walker. There was no way I could measure up to her…ever. And I knew everyone knew it.

My brother even made me look bad. Normally, don’t you just have to compete with other girls in the beauty department? My brother was no longer an awkward preteen boy with braces and a big head. He was now one of the most popular guys in high school. Probably a bit more slender than he’d like… even his “faults” I envied. He was effortless in how he carried himself; confident and mysterious. Alan walked in the room and everyone looked. It wasn’t just because he was attractive. He just has that thing about him. It felt like I could walk in a room doing the mambo wearing a fruit ordained headdress and I’d still need an introduction over a loud speaker to pull focus from him. These were the two that set the standard in my home. How the heck does Jordan see anything in me?

I knew I wasn’t unattractive. I mean, I wasn’t going to repel anyone due to disfigurement or anything. I just needed to lose a little weight. I was  a curvier girl than Heather’s natural “fashion model figure”. It wasn’t crazy out of control. I just had to keep it in check. I had started taking these diet supplement pills to help get me started a few years back…just to get me jumpstarted. I had heard that it could help you lose 5 lbs of water weight the first week. I WAS IN! Except I didn’t want to lose 5 pounds. I figured I could lose a good 15 to 20 pounds and be a lot more attractive. The first few days on the pill were fine. I would eat some breakfast and just take one of them for lunch at school. Then I’d eat a light dinner. After a few days I actually started to see some progress! I was so excited! But after those first few days nothing changed for the next 2 weeks! I got so frustrated. I would have to expedite this. I was getting impatient to see some dramatic results. I decided that I would take a pill for breakfast and lunch to speed things up. After all, the first few days felt so good to see some of those pounds come off! This would just help me jumpstart my weightless and then I would change me eating habits to be more healthy later. It was awesome. I saw weight come off. I lost about 7 pounds over the next couple of weeks! People were coming up to me and telling me how good I looked! I don’t remember that ever happening before in my life! I was sharing tops with my sister! I wasn’t quite able to share her pants yet, but we were just in the first few weeks! Who knew what could happen.

I knew what I could do to make this happen faster and who knew? Maybe lose more than I had originally hoped for. I knew that it wasn’t the best idea, but it would just be for a little bit to get me to where I wanted to be and then I would be done and I could start healthy eating habits and working out. Jordan was coming down soon and I really wanted to lose the weight before then! Just for a little bit.

I didn’t eat food for the next 2 days. We were so busy running everywhere at my house that it was easy to hide. I would just tell mom or dad that I was eating with someone else or “on the way” and then my friends always assumed I was eating at home, so it wasn’t a problem. Lunch at school was the only kind of tricky situation, but I just kind of moved food around on my plate or talked a lot until the bell rang and then said, “ Oh shoot! I didn’t even get to eat! I’ll just eat this on the way to class real quick.” and then, when I started walking by myself, I’d throw whatever it was away…easy.

By the afternoon on the second day, my stomach was making audible noises. At first, they were a little uncomfortable, but after a while, those noises became so empowering. It’s working. Each little grumble was another little half pound melting away from the fat around my belly or thighs. I was doing it. I was controlling myself and it felt awesome. I was going to reach my goal. Heck! I was going to pass it! I wonder how much I could lose?

 

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We are a family of four just trying to figure out what our "new normal" looks like in Manhattan! I'm Kayla, a 29-year-old creative with a passion for theater and writing. Jordan is a musician and experience pastor with a heart that loves people. And we have two awesome little girls, Jozlyn and Kendall. Our house is crazy...always full of energy and laughter.... and we have no idea what we're doing! Help us figure it out as we go!

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I'm Kayla. Mom of two, wife of one and new New York transplant. We're a family of four fumbling our way through our new normal in Manhattan! We're excited to learn as we go... we can't mess this up too bad, right? :)

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